To Every Bride Planning A Wedding During 2020: Don’t Let the Disappointment And Chaos Steal Your Joy

When I said “yes” to Cody—my now fiancé—after he proposed to me back in March, I never could have predicted what planning my wedding would actually look like during 2020. From virtual wedding dress shopping, to rescheduling my alterations appointments and bachelorette party, to very strategically planning every last detail around the guidelines and our “new normal”—it’s been a challenge—to say the least. 

 Within weeks of getting engaged, I watched helplessly as friends cancelled their own weddings amid the pandemic. All of the planning, all of the preparation, all of the excitement and anticipation—just to be told at the last second that their special day wasn’t going to happen as they envisioned it after all. My heart ached for them.  What if that happens to me? I couldn’t help but wonder to myself. At the time, I couldn’t imagine a worse scenario.

Don’t run away from joy 

As a result of experiencing past trauma, I struggle with something called “foreboding joy.” Foreboding joy is a term discussed by researcher Brené Brown in several of her books, and is described as “preparing for the worst even when things are at their best.”  Since joy is among the most vulnerable of emotions, the act of feeling that emotion can often be terrifying for me. Instead of allowing myself to savor the moment and feel excited about something, the fear that catastrophe is waiting just around the corner often takes over and paralyzes me. 

So when it comes to my wedding day—a day I have dreamt about and envisioned since I was a little girl—the act of foreboding joy has become a far too common occurrence. There have been  many moments during my engagement where I have not truly allowed myself to feel excitement about my wedding, for the fear of my dream being yanked away from me at the last minute constantly creeps in. Worst-case scenarios zip through my mind and I create a plan A through Z for each—you know, just in case. 

But we are not meant to live this way. Luke 12:22 says, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body is more than clothes...who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?”

When I moved into my studio apartment last fall—my first time living alone without roommates—I confessed to my therapist that I struggled to get excited about it because, in the back of my mind, I worried that I one day wouldn’t be able to afford it. 

My therapist replied, “Why are you catastrophizing and thinking of worst-case scenarios at a time like this? This is exciting! Be excited!” 

She then gave me a homework assignment: On the day I moved into my apartment, I was to practice feeling joy instead of pushing it away.   She instructed me, “Crank-up  your favorite music and dance around your new apartment in your pajamas while you finish unpacking, and let yourself be excited. There’s no one there but you.” 

Although I genuinely thought she was nuts at the time—she wanted me to dance around my apartment in my pajamas for crying-out-loud— I also knew I didn’t have anything to lose. So the evening I moved in, I poured myself a generous glass of pinot noir, turned on Taylor Swift’s Lover album, and danced around my apartment in my pink-and-white polka-dot pajamas while unpacking the last of my Home Depot boxes. And you know what? For that short period of time, I felt pure, unadulterated, fear-free joy. And I’ll never forget it. 

God’s unique vision for marriage 

During the course of this year, many of us have experienced cancelled plans, lack of job security, sick loved ones, and the constant anxiety of wondering what’s next. Add on trying to plan a wedding in the midst of all of that chaos, and life can quickly feel like it is too much to handle.  I can honestly say I have never been more chronically stressed out in my entire life.  But in the midst of my worries and anxious thoughts, I am  reminded of what God’s vision of marriage actually is: 

Truth be told, God’s idea of marriage has absolutely nothing to do with flowers, catering, or cake-cutting, nor is it about a pretty white dress, or something borrowed and something blue. 

Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” 

God’s purpose for marriage is for one man and one woman  to come together and unite as one flesh. This union is powerful, created intentionally by God.  Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says, “Two are better than one, for they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up...Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken.” 

Joy is not circumstantial

The book of Philippians has been such an anchor to me this year. I’ve read it over and over, letting its words seep in each time.  Philippians was written by the apostle Paul to the believers of Philippi. The main theme of Philippians is joy, a message so powerful because Paul wrote every word from his prison cell in Rome. 

Paul wrote, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” -Philippians 4:11-13

When I read these words for the first time, they spoke truth to my tired soul. Joy is not based on my circumstances. It is not dependent on whether or not my wedding happens exactly how I envision it. Joy is not lost in the midst of my disappointments and cancelled plans. True joy shines even in the darkest alleys of our lives. 

The enemy is counting on us to allow our circumstances to dictate our joy. He would love nothing more than for Cody and I to be so focused on the chaos and disappointment that we miss the true purpose of our marriage altogether.  But we don’t have to have the wedding of our dreams in order for our marriage to be beautiful and full of joy. 

Yesterday morning, while we sat in our socially-distanced church pew, Washington governor Jay Inslee simultaneously held his press conference announcing the newest COVID-19 restrictions in the state. As many—including myself—shed tears of anxiety and fear, our pastor shared his own feelings on the matter: 

“In 2020, “ He said, “when people have asked me if I’ve had a good day, or week, or year, I’ve answered honestly and said, ‘Not really’. I’ve lost more people in the past few months than I have in the past several years, and the constant mask-wearing and quarantining has been such a struggle.” 

He continued, “But lately, I felt God say to me that He and I have two very different definitions of a good day or year. To God, a good day or year is measured by whether I have grown closer to Him. So, even though this year has brought me great difficulty and suffering, I feel like I have grown ten times closer to God than I was last year. So, therefore, it has been a good year. Keep this in mind during this next season, despite what Jay Inslee announces today.”

Similarly, regardless of what March 13, 2021 looks like for Cody and me, as long as we end the day stronger and closer to God, it will still be a good day. And in the meantime, I will celebrate and be excited. I will continue making plans, and I will continue to thank God that I get to marry the kindest, goofiest, most loving man I’ve ever known. 

“For I have found the one my soul loves.” -Song of Solomon 3:4