Why We Are Fighting For Our Lives Right Now, And I Don’t Just Mean From COVID-19
“I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day”
“I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play
And mild and sweet their songs repeat
Of peace on earth good will to men
And the bells are ringing
Like a choir they’re singing
In my heart I hear them
Peace on earth good will to men
And in despair I bowed my head
‘There is no peace on earth,’ I said
For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth good will to men
But the bells are ringing
Like a choir singing
Does anybody hear them?
Peace on earth good will to men
Then rang the bells more loud and deep
God is not dead, nor doth he sleep
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men”
This timeless Christmas carol, “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day” is a favorite of mine because of the extraordinary true story behind its influential words. Originally written as a poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in 1863, “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day” was written after Longfellow experienced a series of traumatic events that left him in a state of despair and depression. Just two years prior, his wife Frances tragically died after catching her dress on fire. Due to burns he encountered from his attempts to save her, Longfellow not only was unable to attend her funeral, but he was left with permanent scarring on his face which he eventually covered with his beard. As if that wasn’t enough, his son Charley was then severely injured while fighting in the Civil War right before the holidays of 1862, nearly paralyzing him. On Christmas Day 1862, he wrote this poem while nursing his wounded son back to health. The intent of this literature was to show the world there is still hope and light in the midst of dark and desolate times.
Although it isn’t exactly Christmastime, I’ve clung to the words of this sweet song and others as I’ve navigated my way through dark waters of my own these past few weeks. Although I have so much to be grateful for, especially compared to Longfellow, the past month was filled with a struggle I thought was forever behind me. After nearly four weeks of not working and being isolated inside my apartment every day due to COVID-19, my emotional health began to crumble. The loss of human connection and purpose in my everyday life paired with the uncertainty of so many things I value began to take hold of me. At the beginning of quarantine, I was able to fill my time with many organizational and household tasks, daily walks, and other productive outlets. But by week three, household chores were non-existent, and the days themselves began to all mesh together. Soon, apathy seeped in. Things I once enjoyed lost their color and appeal. I no longer had the desire to go for walks. I no longer desired to write. I no longer desired to even eat. For the better part of two days, I laid in bed crying, feeling as though hope was as far away from me as heaven itself. Finally I decided to take a depression self-assessment on my healthcare provider’s website, something i've done many times before. The test showed that my depression was “severe”, the first time I had gotten that result in several years.
Learning How to Cope
Depression and anxiety are certainly no strangers to me. Ever since my teen years, I have been at war with my mind, battling against an invisible enemy that many knew nothing about. But in my mid-twenties, I finally reached out for help. I started seeing a therapist and gradually began healing old wounds and moving forward. I learned coping skills and tools to see me through difficult times. I learned about myself and my personality type and how I interact with others. I learned my triggers and how to react in a healthier way. I had come so far. But now…….
It felt as though I had gone backwards.
Experiencing that deep emotional low a few days ago frightened me immensely, and I immediately reached out to my therapist for help. Normally our sessions are light and semi-casual, fine-tuning small areas while acknowledging that overall, I am doing well. But not this time. I joined the virtual appointment at 10am sharp with coffee in hand, my messy bun a little more messy, and my smile a little more forced.
“So I see you had a crisis”, my therapist began. “Tell me what happened.”
I began to explain the events of the weekend and how ashamed I felt for being “back at square one”. She looked at me as I took a sip of my coffee. Her expression was calm and confident. She simply said, “It’s ok. You’re not broken.”
She continued, “You are not back at square one. If you were, you wouldn’t have had the sense to reach out to me for help. This was a wakeup call, which we all need every now and then.”
She then explained how, when I first began therapy three years ago, my stress was higher than my coping skills because I had not yet developed any. Now, even though I have developed coping skills, my stress is higher due to being in a global pandemic. So instead of shaming myself for being human, I can work to find a solution by simply developing new and more effective coping skills.
For those unfamiliar, the term “coping skills” is known as a set of emotional skills used to manage feelings of heavy stress from significant life changes. Some positive coping skills can include:
-Getting creative (writing, drawing, cooking, or baking)
- -Talking to a friend
- -Talking to a therapist
- -Starting a gratitude journal
- -Taking a hot shower or bath
- -Setting healthy boundaries in relationships
- -Praying or reading your Bible
However, not all coping skills are positive. Those who have not developed healthy coping skills often seek whatever means they can to cope with their stress, even when toxic. Some unhealthy (and potentially toxic) coping skills include:
- -Overeating/eating a lot of sugar or junk
- -Drinking alcohol in excess
- -Over-working
- -Compulsive spending
- -Caffeine overconsumption
- -Returning to an unhealthy or toxic relationship
As this pandemic has carried on, I’ve had to become more and more creative with my coping skills. Now, when simply going for a walk isn't enough, I have to go for a run or maybe a challenging hike instead. When I don’t have the motivation to write, I color or bake. And when I feel negative emotions beginning to creep back into my mind, I have to intentionally push them away and fill my mind back up with something positive.
I Didn’t Know This Was Grief
Last week, I went into my local DMV. The last time I had been in, it was March 1. I remember this because it was the day before my birthday. My now fiance and I had stopped by that morning on our way out of town to Bend, Oregon to celebrate my thirtieth.
Fun fact about me: I hate the DMV (but who doesn’t, am I right?) So even though my day started with waiting in line and spending a preposterous amount of money, this particular DMV visit was mixed with excitement and pure glee. It was our final stop before we could grab iced coffees and hit the open road. His Subaru and the scenic Oregon drive were waiting for us expectantly, and we couldn't wait.
But last week’s DMV visit was different. Before I even stepped foot inside the building, I was interrupted by a flood of warning signs plastered all over the two front doors. “Maximum of six customers inside the building at a time”, one read, and, “Practice social distancing,” said another. As I made my way inside, my eyes were immediately drawn to the new plexiglass barriers that had been installed to protect against employee-customer exposure. Then, the face masks and hand sanitizer. This time, I was not filled with joy or positive anticipation, but anxiety and sadness. Tears streamed down my masked face and I counted the seconds until I was back in my car alone so I could let my emotions take over and weep. I would do nearly anything for life to be back to normal again... to go back to Bend and explore Oregon with the love of my life.
A couple of weeks ago Bridgetown Church in Portland launched a two-part webinar called Transition, Grief, and Loss in response to the COVID-19 pandemic. In it, assistant pastor Bethany Allen explained that we are all collectively experiencing grief right now as a result of losing our every-day lives as we once knew them. She went on to explain the Kubler-Ross model ( also known as the Five Stages of Grief). The five stages are as follows:
- -Denial
- -Anger
- -Bargaining
- -Depression
- -Acceptance
Often, these “stages” do not actually happen in order, but likely can start with denial and end with acceptance. For me personally, I’ve been bouncing between denial, anger, bargaining, and now most recently, depression. On my best days, I can see acceptance somewhere on my horizon, but I haven’t quite reached it yet. I often wonder if I will always be grieving the loss of the way of life I once knew and took for granted.
Even though this pandemic looks different for each of us, most of us are experiencing stress unlike ever before, and most of us are experiencing some form of grief, even if we don’t realize it. Unfortunately, the only way to make it to the other side of grief is to actually grieve. We must allow ourselves to feel the difficult emotions that arise in us and deal with them head-on. Although it seems counter-intuitive, feeling our pain is necessary in order for healing to take place. Think of grief like you would the rainy season in Oregon. From December through May (and sometimes even longer), the rain comes down without relent. It’s wet and cold, dreary and miserable. It can make even the most loyal Oregonian question why on earth they chose to live in such a place. For many, it’s even painful. But then, just when we are about to lose our minds from six straight months of grey skies and raincoats, the Oregon we all fell in love with reappears. Mud turns to fertile soil, and grey turns to green. Life is beautiful again, and as we take a look around, we can all see the new life and good that came from that awful rain.
This is a Crisis
With grief and loss in every direction we turn, we are struggling to keep our emotions and minds intact. The raw truth is that we are not only in a global pandemic right now, but we are also in a major mental health crisis. With the loss of over 20 million jobs in April alone and unemployment rates staggering, people are left hopeless and wildly afraid. 1 in 3 suicide victims are said to be unemployed at the time of their deaths.
However, the jobless are not the only ones at risk. Last week, New York City emergency room doctor Lorna Breen died by suicide after courageously serving on the “front lines” of the COVID-19 pandemic. She spoke of working 18-hour days in absolute chaos, and not only contracted COVID-19 but was also recently hospitalized for exhaustion. According to family members, she was under unimaginable stress.
“Frontline healthcare professionals and first responders are not immune to the mental or physical effects of this current pandemic,” Chief RaShall Brackney of Charlottesville Police Department said, according to People Magazine. “On a daily basis, these professionals operate under the most stressful of circumstances, and the Coronavirus has introduced additional stressors.”
It is Up to You
Following social distancing guidelines and making every effort to maintain our physical health is of the utmost importance right now. However, the Coronavirus is not the only invisible enemy we are currently fighting against. Now, more than ever, we need to make our mental health a main priority. Maintaining our mental health is just as crucial as maintaining our physical health. We must develop healthy coping skills. We must utilize the resources we have, and most importantly, we must ask for help. For me personally, depression is something I will probably always face to some extent. I will always have to work at being emotionally healthy. And there will be times, like most recently, where I will literally have to fight for my life. But just because this is true, it does not mean I am broken, a burden, weak, or a failure. It simply means I am human. And so are you.
We all have a responsibility to take care of ourselves. We not only owe it to our loved ones, but we owe it to ourselves. God put each one of us on this earth for a unique and beautiful purpose, and that remains true even when disappointment is heavy and hope seems lost.
One of my favorite verses of the Bible (and one that has been playing over in my mind these past few weeks) is Phillipians 1:6: “Be confident in this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.”
God isn’t done with you. You aren’t broken. And there is so much good still to come.
**Below is a list of resources if you or someone you know is showing signs of depression or is in need of ways to cope during this time:
-FindYourWords.Org
-Bridgetown.church → Teachings → Transitions, Grief, and Loss (Parts 1 and 2)
-My Name Is Hope: Anxiety, Depression, and Life After Melancholy by John Mark Comer —. -Headspace meditation app for IOS
-It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way by Lysa TeurKerst
-Positivepsychology.com/resilienceandcoping
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