Why Kindness Matters
This is probably going to sound repetitive, as I’m sure you all have heard this phrase a thousand times in the past six months. But the truth is, I really don’t care.
BE KIND.
It really is that simple, folks. Yet, despite its simplicity, this is a concept that so many Americans either can’t understand or don’t care to. 2020 has been so hard for all of us. We all have lost something this year, whether it be our jobs, a loved one, our health, time with friends, or our peace of mind.
I recently saw my dentist for a teeth cleaning and checkup. As the hygienist was gathering her cleaning equipment, she must have seen my anxiety heighten (I hate going to the dentist, but who doesn't?).
“You know,” she began, “We have seen such a rise in the number of patients who are grinding their teeth in their sleep right now from anxiety and stress. If not taken care of, it can cause serious damage. I know it’s hard, but we have got to find ways to manage our stress.”
Luckily, my teeth didn’t show any signs of grinding, but the stress of this year has certainly taken a toll on my health in other ways, both physically and emotionally. About a month ago, I watched in horror as my home state burned from wildfires and almost every single person in Oregon I cared about was either on evacuation watch, had been evacuated, or had lost their homes altogether. On top of a global pandemic. On top of protesting and rioting. On top of injustices. On top of the most divisive election in U.S. history. “Why, God?!!” I wanted to wail. I was so angry.
During that awful week, I was so stressed to the point that I started having painful digestive symptoms that would later be diagnosed as a stomach ulcer. Apparently, stomach ulcers are also being diagnosed at a higher rate this year. Go figure.
During this past summer, I spent a month working at a local veterinary clinic. Despite the long hours and tiring days, I ended up learning quite a bit. Probably the most fascinating thing I learned while working there was on the topic of Cushing’s Disease.
In dog’s, Cushing’s Disease is a potentially life-threatening condition that begins when their bodies produce too much of the stress hormone cortisol. The extra cortisol production is typically due to a tumor on or near the pituitary gland. However, humans also produce cortisol, and producing too much of the hormone over an extended period of time can have effects on us that are just as harmful. Weight gain, fatigue, muscle aches, or irregular periods in women can all occur when our bodies are consistently over-stressed (like we all have been since March of this year).
In addition to physical health, 2020 has also greatly affected the mental health of Americans in a negative way. Suicides have increased at an alarming rate in the United States, studies showing economic distress as a leading cause. Furthermore, with therapy now only being offered virtually in most states, once mentally healthy patients are left feeling like they must carry their burdens alone.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because, apparently COVID-19 is not the only pandemic that has been sweeping through the nation this year. Apparently, we also have on our hands a pandemic of thoughtless and rude behavior--even more so than before.
Recently, I worked what I thought would be an easy Palm Springs turn, “A” position (meaning I would work First Class). The flight to Palm Springs went fairly well with no issues except a little turbulence--which is common for the Palm Desert area due to the dry climate. We immediately boarded the flight back to Portland, the flight as brilliantly uneventful as the one before it.
However, as soon as we landed in Portland, we must have unknowingly hit the Twilight Zone. One of my first class passengers leapt up from his seat and ran towards me, clearly enraged. I was in the middle of disarming my doors (one of the most crucial parts of my job), so to avoid getting distracted, I calmly let him know I would be with him in one moment.
Furious, the man went back to his seat, and after I finished my task, I followed.
“Sir, can you please repeat back to me what you were saying upfront?” His face was as red as the cherry lipstick I used to wear, and his eyes were wide with fury.
“THAT MAN HAS NOT BEEN WEARING A MASK THE ENTIRE FLIGHT, AND YOU ARE TO BLAME!” The passenger, who I’ll rename “John Doe” for confidentiality, pointed to a man sitting in the row in front of him. I thought of my nephew, who is two-years-old, but couldn't even picture him acting like this.
The incident ended up escalating significantly and by the time I stepped off the plane thirty minutes later, I was in tears. I felt shaken up, belittled, and humiliated.
Now, let me be clear: I one-hundred percent respect and follow the mask policies that my company (and other businesses) have in place. If I see someone who is not wearing their mask, I politely ask them to wear it. No hesitation. However, three things about this scenario struck me as odd:
The man that John Doe was referring to was wearing his mask, and had been wearing it the entire flight, with the brief exception of when he was eating his meal (which is clearly allowed).
If John Doe truly was concerned by this, why did he wait until after we landed to bring it to my attention?
Even if John Doe was accurate in his accusations, what on earth would make him think that acting this way towards me was ok?
The answer I have come to for #3 can be summed up in this saying:
“Hurt people hurt people.”
But that doesn’t make it ok.
The truth is, we are all hurting right now. We have all been through so much this year, in different ways and in the same ways. Tensions are high, and fear has become the only consistent force in many of us. But sadly, instead of allowing these difficult times to be an opportunity to show more compassion and kindness, many have used it as an excuse to be cruel (and, at times, verbally abusive) to people they know nothing about.
John Doe knew nothing about my life or what I have been struggling with this year. He didn’t know about my stomach ulcer, or my other health issues. He didn’t know that I’m trying to plan the wedding I’ve always dreamt of during a global pandemic. He didn’t know of the constant fear and anxiety I’ve faced every day about what the future holds, or that 400 of my co-workers were recently furloughed. He also didn’t know that his behavior was incredibly triggering for me, reminding me of a past relationship that was verbally abusive.
Likewise, I don’t know if my barista in the Starbucks drive-thru that got my order wrong has just gotten divorced after thirty years of marriage, or if the young woman at the grocery store that took the last of the clorox wipes just had a miscarriage. I don’t know if my neighbor who disagrees with me politically believes this way because of a traumatic experience they had in their past, or perhaps because someone who believes like me once hurt them deeply.
And no, I don’t know, and will never know, if John Doe had an angry meltdown because someone he loved had just died of COVID-19.
This is why we must be kind.
We don’t know what others are battling behind closed doors and trying so desperately to mask when out in the real world (no pun intended). The incident with John Doe was just one example of so many nasty or hurtful outbursts I’ve seen this year. As we approach the upcoming presidential election, my own anxiety grows as I feel that, no matter the outcome, people are going to lash out. For anyone reading this post, please, please don’t be one of those people. Don’t be a John Doe. We can’t control the outcome of the election, or of the pandemic. But we can absolutely control our reactions and our behavior. Let’s choose to rise above and be kind to others, even to those who we feel don’t deserve it.
One of my forever favorite quotes is from researcher Brene Brown. She said,
“Every single person has a story that will break your heart. And if you’re paying attention, many people have a story that will bring you to your knees.”
And with that, I’ll say this once more (and I still don’t care if it sounds repetitive):
BE. KIND.
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