An Open Letter to Every Flight Attendant Who Feels Like They are Losing Themselves Right Now

What’s an Identity? For starters, it’s something we all possess. Our identities form who we are as human beings. They shape our beliefs, values, morals, and life choices, including who we surround ourselves with. Our identities define us. 

If all of these factors build our identities, then what happens to us when, say, we base those identities on something we can lose? Something temporary and fragile? Furthermore, what happens when, one day, that something is suddenly absent from our lives?   

We. Lose. Ourselves. 

  

A Crisis Like No Other  

 In December 2019 the world was introduced to COVID-19, or the “Coronavirus” in Wuhan, China.  At first, we didn’t think much of it. It’s flu season, after all. Lots of germs running around everywhere this time of year.  

Fast-forward to January 2020, and the virus makes its first debut into the U.S.  

Ok, that’s a little scary, we think to ourselves, But still. It’s FLU SEASON. 

As flight crew, we carry on with our scheduled trips, layovers, and monthly bid packets, still wondering if we’re senior enough to hold a line next month. We still meet our crews at the hotel bar for a round of Pinot Noirs after a long flight. There’s talk of panic at the epicenters and our passengers exchange nervous whispers from time to time, but everything is mostly business as usual for us.  Even most Asia flights are still operating in spite of it all. Everything is going to be fine.  

 Just when we have managed to steer clear of all of the chaos and have convinced ourselves that this whole thing will blow over in 2.5 months, we look at our calendars and it’s suddenly mid-March.  

And. Sh**. Hits. The. Fan.  

Schools are cancelled. Then church. Church?! Next, it’s concerts and festivals, followed by weddings and funerals. Weddings and funerals??!!! On March 13, President Trump declares a National Emergency. Governors are ordering “shelters in place” for their states and everyone is told to stay home. One by one, restaurants and small businesses close.  Oh, and toilet paper and Clorox wipes have managed to fall off the genuine face of the earth. What the f***?! 

 Without warning, our mindsets are shifted from living our best lives on our 24-hour Maui layovers to surviving day-by-day. Every aspect of our existence is threatened and uncertain.  Seemingly overnight, the aviation industry went from being slightly affected internationally by the pandemic to being completely turned upside down. Every airline, no matter how large or proactive, is fighting against an invisible enemy that no one saw coming.  

Our leaders are all working around the clock to protect our companies and our jobs, and we are so grateful for them. Unfortunately, this unprecedented situation brings with it a great deal of unpredictability.  Despite everyone’s best efforts, no one truly knows how all of this is going to pan out. I don’t have to go into the somber details for all of us to know that our futures as flight attendants are uncertain right now. We may not know what lies ahead in the coming months, but we all know of the road this crisis could potentially bring us down.  

For the Love of the Job  

For most of us, the mere thought of a future not including this job can feel frighteningly devastating.  Being a flight attendant is undoubtedly a career of great sacrifice. So many of us have given so much to be here today. We’ve left our financially secure desk jobs, comfortable homes, support systems, and social lives… all in the name of earning our wings. We’ve missed weddings, the births of nieces and nephews, Mothers’ Days, and birthdays. We’ve struggled to make romantic relationships stand the test of long-distance. We’ve had more sleepless nights and holidays alone than we can possibly keep record of...all for the love of the job.   

So, what would we do with ourselves if being a flight attendant was no longer probable? Would all of our sacrifices be in vain?  How would we adapt and cope to life on the ground?  

                                                       

Being a Flight Attendant is What We Do, Not Who We Are  

  

Last summer, after struggling for months with mysterious and debilitating health issues, I was relieved to finally be given some answers. I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease and Fibromyalgia, both within the span of two months.  After my diagnosis, I struggled to navigate my way through my new normal, making drastic changes to my diet and lifestyle. I saw several doctors, spent hours researching various treatments, and joined support groups. I was determined to do anything to feel better.  

...Except not fly.  

I couldn’t possibly imagine a life without flying. It was my entire life. In my mind, it was my greatest accomplishment, the source of my greatest pride. Flying was who I was.  

 Or…was it?  

A few months after being diagnosed, I sat down with my therapist to discuss how I was doing. I felt so drained. I told her about the recent state of my health, and how much I was struggling to accept it. Before she responded to me, she paused, taking a sip of her peppermint tea. She then looked at me with the face that said she was about to tell me something I didn’t want to hear. She asked me, “Would you ever consider finding a new career path that wasn’t so hard on your body?”  

I laughed.  

There’s no way in hell, I thought. 

Despite my obvious displeasure, this was not an outrageous question. High altitudes, recycled cabin air, and jet lag paired with my relentless reserve schedule can cultivate a hazardous combination for one’s health. And yet, my response was firm: 

 “Absolutely not. It’s who I am…” 

 My therapist took another sip of her tea, looked back at me, and said something I will never forget.  

“It sounds like you place your identity in being a flight attendant, but being a flight attendant is not who you are. It’s what you do. Who you are is a person who loves helping people, loves to travel, and loves adventure. There are plenty of careers out there that offer those same things.”   

I said nothing. The thought of no longer being a flight attendant was simply inconceivable for me. Whenever I would picture my sixty-something self, it always included visions of me flying with my friends on those golden high-time trips  (because I was finally senior enough to hold them), my grandkids all telling their friends at school how their grandma was cool because she flies on airplanes for a living.  

Sitting on the leather couch in my therapist’s dimmed office, I felt that vision burst like a balloon when it gets accidentally stepped on.  

POP. 

 The Five Stages of Grief  

As I stared speechless at my therapist during the remainder of our session, she continued by explaining the Kubler-Ross model, or the “Five Stages of Grief”. She explained that these five stages are as follows: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The five stages may or may not happen in order, but almost always begin with denial and end with acceptance.  

When many of us think of the term grief, our minds immediately jump to the feelings people experience after the death or loss of someone close to them. But the funny thing about grief is that it is not confined to losing just people. Grief can swing at us just as hard if and when we lose something we love instead of someone. 

 ...Like our jobs. 

 Or for us flight attendants, our dream-jobs.  

  

Solidifying Our Identities so We Can Weather the Storm   

Since that day in my therapist’s office, I’ve been able to gain more control over my health and find better ways to manage my symptoms. So for now, I’m still flying. But her words continue to resonate with me, and I know that I can never again place my identity or self-worth in something I can so easily lose.    

 In his 2016 book, Shaken, former Denver Bronco quarterback Tim Tebow writes of the many storms he faced after being released three separate times from the NFL during his professional football career. More specifically, he writes of avoiding the even more devastating effects these disappointments could have had if he had placed his identity in his abilities as a quarterback.  

“Because my identity is secure,” he explains, “I don’t have to ride the roller coaster of life. I don’t have to live up in the highs or down in the lows. No matter what happens I can live in confidence knowing I’m on a solid foundation.” 

We have no way of knowing how the COVID-19 pandemic is going to play out or when it will all  finally end. Even though we must remain positive and stay hopeful that things will return to normal in the next few months, we have no way of knowing for certain if that will be the case. But then again, tomorrow has never been promised to any of us. Even before this pandemic, our careers, health, and livelihoods were never set-in-stone. At any point during our lives, things can shift.  

But there is permanence in who we are as human beings; what motivates and shapes us, and what sets our hearts on fire. Being flight attendants is what we do, not who we are. And we will be ok no matter what lies ahead. Even if some of us hang up our wings (whether it be a few months or ten years from now), we will be forever impacted by the experiences we’ve had from this one-of-a-kind career. We have been tried, tested, and pushed to limits in ways that most have only seen in movies. We’ve built deep friendships and have created lasting bonds with our fellow crew members. We've made memories that we will forever hold in our hearts. And whatever happens, no one will be able to take any of that away. Our hearts may be sad with grief, but we will come out on the other side of acceptance, and be better people for it.  

As Martin Luther King Jr. Once said,  

“We must accept infinite disappointment, but we must not lose infinite hope.”  

So let’s all fly safe, stay positive, and remember who we are.